Cover Letter

I applied for a job as a reality TV development executive. Here’s the cover letter I sent with my resume’:

Hi! My name is Bryan Wolfson, and I am supremely qualified for the position you are offering as an unscripted TV dev exec.
Let me tell you a bit about myself and my experiences!
I have lived with crippling depression for the better part of a decade, and am well versed in the sort of self-loathing and cynicism towards humanity necessary for this position. Every day I wake up disappointed that God did not take me in the night, and I must face the horrific meaningless of personal awareness for another day.
In regards to the passion for unscripted TV you list as a requirement- I shower up to four times a day, because we live in a filthy, unclean world. I also can only move my bowels at home on my personal toilet, due to the sickening nature of the reality we inhabit. Doing so requires (at the very least) a bottom-half shower, or I am liable to feel quite ill for the rest of the day.
If I am able to sleep, which generally I am not, the night is inhabited by a total lack of dreams and sensations. This reprieve from sensory experience is the only relenting state of existence I am able to achieve, but it does not come easily. Therefore, I am frequently awake and able to work!
My work history is included in my C/V, but please don’t hesitate to ask me any questions. Thank you for considering me!
Holy shit, who gives a fuck????

Holy shit, who gives a fuck????

The thing that sucks about the structure of time is that at any point in your existence you’re the oldest you’ve ever been. !

Whoever unfollowed me today, I know who you are and I know your reading this…………..

*A crowd of #Millenials roars before a lone individual with a megaphone. There is a squeal of feedback as it comes to life and their demands are heard.* WE ARE A GENERATION WHOSE RELATIONSHIPS WERE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY THE MOVIE ‘HIGH FIDELITY’. PLEASE CUT US A LITTLE SLACK.

The Ancient Egyptians were cool and all, but if you really stop to think about it who cares? A Triangular pile of rocks? They couldn’t build some shit like Disneyland or whatever. The Indiana Jones ride is a way better engineering accomplishment than the pyramids. They won’t teach you that in middle school, though.

My last entry was the funniest thing I’ve ever written, and either nobody saw it or nobody agrees but I don’t even care. I laugh every time I read it.

Coming Spring 2015

Look At My Boner Through These Shorts: A High School Memoir

Coming This Fall

Photos of My Cool Friends Pooping: A Coffee Table Book